Simon Theory: “Down With Weddings!!”

Theoretically speaking, we all claim to live in a civilized society based on laws, governance, and progress. The building block of America’s constitution is the ability to adapt to an ever-changing, ever-expanding world (as much as the Republicans try to dismiss this) and embrace change. Things like slavery, genocide, segregation, nuclear war, corruption, and home schooling were always concepts we as a society were meant to outgrow. So why, oh why, does the United States still partake in over 2,000,000 weddings every year? (I blame Katherine Heigl).

In the long list of silly, antiquated, religious ceremonies universally accepted, corrupted, and repackaged, weddings are a $72 Billion a year industry pumping out 6,200 a day; even though its common knowledge that roughly 45% of all marriages end in divorce, and nearly 70% of all marriages lead to broken, weak-willed, testosterone-deficient men (That one’s my own statistic, but still valid, I think).

Now, for the sake of time, here are some incontrovertible FACTS on weddings:

- Married couples tend to have fatter waistlines, which can lead to a decrease in sexual attraction and general health. Additionally, a spouse’s chances of becoming obese increase by 37% if his or her partner is obese.
- Approximately $6 billion in revenue is lost by American businesses as a result of decreased worker productivity linked to marriage hardship. Employees in a happy marriage, in contrast, tend to increase a company’s bottom line.
- A marriage ceremony typically ends with a kiss because in ancient Rome, a kiss was a legal bond that sealed contracts, and marriage was seen as a contract.

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