Simon Theory: “Women Are Their Own Enemy”

-1st: Republicans fine with health care covering Viagra, but not birth control.

-2nd: Rep. Mike Huckabee says women don’t need birth control, they need to control their libido & sexuality.
-3rd: Rep. Sean Hannity suggests an “Adopt-A-Woman” plan for birth control.

-4th: Many Republicans still believe women shouldn’t be protected from rape.

-The Irony: Some of you women still vote for these assholes.
Happy Super Bowl!!!!

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Lord John Marburry: Ben Affleck as Batman in 2015

Affleck Batman

So, the inevitable has happened, and after an amazing run with a slight Godfather 3-esque finale, Christian Bale has given up the keys to the Tumbler. We knew it was gonna happen, it had to happen, and the character is too much of a money maker to let sit for too long. We had signs this was going to happen when it was announced Zack Snyders Superman sequel would feature Batman, but I think some of us hoped that maybe, just maybe, Snyder, Goyer, and Nolan had enough pull to bring Christian Bale back. Alas they did not, and Mr. School Ties himself is going to step into the gumshoes of the Worlds Greatest Detective.

Ben Affleck as Batman… let that sink in. Let that news wash around you and tickle your toes while it fellates you as you fall asleep. Be comforted by the news and know that the cowl is in good hands. Because even if you’ve had nothing to drink but Hater-Ade, it happened, and there is no going back on that. Now, The way I see it, you have two choices. You can decide now, before he has had a chance to prove himself, that you don’t like it, and let it become a self fulfilling prophecy. Or… You can look for the positive and wait for the movie to come out before passing judgement. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I try not to judge a book by its cover, especially when that book has the perfect chin to compliment the cowl.

I know some of you out there may still need convincing. I know some of you just might be more effected by the media machine and not know how to form your own opinions, Thats fine. In fact, thats why we here at TWO exist. Just know, we will win you over.

See, I could start by pointing out that most people dislike him because of the whole Bennifer thing, not his acting. As well as mentioning that even though they aren’t for acting, he HAS won two Oscars, which indicates a pretty powerful acumen for visual story telling. I might also add that he is a huge, lifelong comic book nerd able to draw from an near encyclopedic knowledge of the Caped Crusader to enhance the role and bring it depth. My cou de grace might be to declare the directors cut of Daredevil surprisingly good, arguing the movies primary faults lie with its script and editing, not Matt Murdock.

Search your feelings you know it to be true.

And as a final PS to this all; Let us not forget the absolute shitstorm the uneducated threw when Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker in 2007.

Now stop being a whiny bitch because you’ve been taught by MTV to dislike the guy and realize… hey, most of the movies he is in are actually pretty good, all the movies he has directed are pretty good, and he’s a damn handsome fella. Now good day to you, sir!

PPS. acumen |əˈkyo͞omən, ˈakyə-|
The ability to make good judgments and quick decisions, typically in a particular domain: business acumen.

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“Joey Diaz says…”

Joey Diaz says….

“Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self!
Big dicks in yo’ ass is bad fo’ your health!”

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Lord John Marburry: Mickey and the art of Zig-Zags


In about a month, I’ll be at Disneyland. Some folks don’t understand the adult draw of the Happiest Place on Earth, but for a pop-culture saturated mind like my own, Disneyland combines the best aspect of set design, commercialization and pop culture to create what I can only describe as a living breathing piece of art, where crowds and lines are the brush strokes and… lines that put the fishing touches on a place perpetually facing finishing touches. As you can see, this is a big thing for me. This is what we’ve been working toward since we started; this is my Mecca.

For this adventure, I must be mentally strong. For this adventure, I must prepare; be nimble of mind and free of the burdens of the mortal plane. For this adventure, I must be stoned beyond belief.

Senbazuru is the Japanese art of folding 1000 paper cranes in the hopes that upon completion, you will be granted inner peace, or a wish or personal contentment. This particular art is so powerful in Japanese culture that folding 1000 cranes was used as a test by JAXA for potential astronauts. I’m not superstitious, nor am I Japanese, and lets face it, folding that shit is hard. I can’t fold fitted sheet, let alone a thousand paper cranes. I have no experience in that department and I can’t spare three minutes to YouTube instructions… but I can roll a joint.


So that is my Everest. For the next 30 days, as a measure of patience, I will roll one J, as perfect as I can possibly roll it, per day. In this time, I will not saturate my mind with TV, Netflix, Facebook or even aural stimulation like music and podcasts. Once my daily task is started, I will be singularly focused one its completion, in a nearly meditative state, until its completion.

Will I need 30 joints to get from the Bay area, through four days in LA, and back to the Bay? Maybe.

Will being thoroughly baked at the happiest place on earth improve upon that very premise? Probably.

Will I gain something valuable and learn a bit about myself from my task or like Sisyphus, am I dooming myself to an endless cycle with no clear reward? Only time will tell, but the smart money is on me learning something.


Note: I did not roll these, but in the amount of time it took me to GIS this photo, I could have gotten half way there.

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“Joey Diaz says….”

JoeyDiaz1On this weeks installment of “Joey Diaz says…”, the great Joey Diaz shows up for a quick litte set of comedy only to be interrupted by some loud Jewish chick in the audience. This sparks a rant regarding what it really takes to be a real Jew….sweet.

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Simon Theory: “Down With Weddings!!”

Theoretically speaking, we all claim to live in a civilized society based on laws, governance, and progress. The building block of America’s constitution is the ability to adapt to an ever-changing, ever-expanding world (as much as the Republicans try to dismiss this) and embrace change. Things like slavery, genocide, segregation, nuclear war, corruption, and home schooling were always concepts we as a society were meant to outgrow. So why, oh why, does the United States still partake in over 2,000,000 weddings every year? (I blame Katherine Heigl).

In the long list of silly, antiquated, religious ceremonies universally accepted, corrupted, and repackaged, weddings are a $72 Billion a year industry pumping out 6,200 a day; even though its common knowledge that roughly 45% of all marriages end in divorce, and nearly 70% of all marriages lead to broken, weak-willed, testosterone-deficient men (That one’s my own statistic, but still valid, I think).

Now, for the sake of time, here are some incontrovertible FACTS on weddings:

– Married couples tend to have fatter waistlines, which can lead to a decrease in sexual attraction and general health. Additionally, a spouse’s chances of becoming obese increase by 37% if his or her partner is obese.
– Approximately $6 billion in revenue is lost by American businesses as a result of decreased worker productivity linked to marriage hardship. Employees in a happy marriage, in contrast, tend to increase a company’s bottom line.
– A marriage ceremony typically ends with a kiss because in ancient Rome, a kiss was a legal bond that sealed contracts, and marriage was seen as a contract.

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Simon Theory: “Attention Christians”

Attention Christians! If you don’t want the government to allow gays to marry, then get your church to stop taking all those big tax breaks from the government and remove all federal benefits from your religious cer–oh wait. You guys don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage THAT much, do you.

That’s what you can never get Christians to acknowledge in a debate. They’re always railing on and on about keeping the government out of church and freedom of religion and all of these assaults on Christianity etc. but the second you go after their checkbook, they clam up REAL fast. For complete and total control over their religious freedom, all they have to do is stop taking the endless, over-abundance of tax breaks and the cornucopia of federal benefits that come with A FEDERALLY RECOGNIZED MARRIAGE, then you can do whatever you want. So, in conclusion…

Christians: Pay your fucking taxes or shut the fuck up.

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Barry Jive: The Super Moon

Sometimes Facebook, Twitter and all other social media jump on the bandwagon and start perpetuating pseudoscience. We’ve all seen the newsflashes telling us that last night was the largest the moon will ever be, or that in two weeks it will be 1/2/3/ 4:56 or some other nonsense. Luckily, Neil DeGrasse Tyson is here to straighten all the sillyness. While I’ve never quite forgiven him for taking away Pluto’s planet status, I love the way he wields his science. Watch him rage on the “Super-Moon” and then go order yourself a super pizza.

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Lord John Marburry: The Tolerance Break

Any good Buddhist will tell you the path to nirvana is moderation, and marijuana is no exception. The tolerance break is a long practiced tradition amongst habitual, high-functioning stoners, and there is good evidence to show that it actually heightens and sharpens ones mentality state whilst baked, rather than dumbing them down. In its most basic form, the tolerance break is just like it sounds; it is a break from partaking in the sweet herb.

WHAT?!? Are you high?! Who in their right mind would want to stop one of the greatest habits one might start? If you’re dating a super model, you don’t take a night off from nailing a supermodel… amiright?

This was my way thinking for a long time, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Humans have brains wired for addiction, its no surprise that when we find something we like, our brain tries to trick us in any way possible so that we keep doing it. But, any stoner can also tell you that they’ve hit the “high fatigue.” That feeling where you’ve spend like 5 days in a row baked and now all you want is to see the sky again. Maybe it happened because you misestimated the strength and longevity of a particularly strong brownie, or maybe because you twomped out so hard you slept through 14+ hours of your day’ too lazy to turn off the Spongebob Squarepants DVD menu thats playing on repeat in the next room. Whatever the case may be, sometimes you just need to poke your head above the clouds and get your bearings for a bit. Thus… the tolerance break.


If you haven’t reached that point yet, do yourself a favor and prolong the fun by taking a day or two off. For some of us more tried and true heads, take a week or even a month. MJ will always be there when you get back, and she’ll let you slip back into her like a good high school girlfriend on your first winter break back from college. Plus, with the benefit of time away and age, you’ll appreciate her all that much more.

With that being said, today I embark on a two week pot cleanse. That means lots of roughage, lots of water and exercise, and lots of me thinking I’m funnier than I really am. Its gonna be tough, but I know I’ll be a better man for it. Catch you all on the flip side.


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Lord John Marburry: Summer Solstice


Turns out today is the summer solstice, which, unless your Pagan, Wiccan, vegan or a baseball fan, probably ranks as a fourth tier holiday, behind Groundhog Day, Arbor Day, Kwanzaa, and National Donut Day (June 7, y’all). I had to Wikipedia it, but apparently, that means today is the longest day of the year, followed by the shortest night, as well as the official first day of the summer. Lots of hippie folk like to celebrate with parties and events to mark the occasion, but I choose to find my celebration in the good deeds of others. Today, as I was walking through the city on my way to work, I noticed a small, elderly man cautiously approach a significantly larger woman and verbally berate her for smoking while pregnant. He was so incensed at the thought that his face turned red, he started shaking his little wrinkled finger at her, and spit formed around the edges of his mouth as he laid on her the most voracious tongue lashing this side of a lesbian labor-day barbecue. He went on for a good minute while she calmly, smoked her cigarette down to filter, then, in the coolest move since refrigerated poop, she flicked the butt at the little old man and said, “I’m not pregnant, you fucking asshole.”


My hand to God, she could have fooled me. Ive never seen someone carry extra weight exclusively in the uterus region, but this woman was either an Oscar award winning actress, or more probably, not pregnant. She stormed off in her self righteous boots, and the little old man stood dumbstruck for a moment massaging the spot on his forehead the filter hit, before finding it in himself to shuffle off into a nearby establishment.

Poor guy has probably had self esteem issues his whole life, and finally got up the nerve to speak his mind. That or he’s a self righteous little fuck that gets off on telling other people how to live their lives. Either way, the important lesson is, no matter how sure you are, never, under any circumstances, assume Summer Solstice miracles don’t exist.


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