Simon Theory: Greatest President My Ass!

Balls. Thats all I have to say on the Subject. Big, sweaty, Conservative, Balls…

Of course, that’s not all I have to say about the subject. Stupid Americans. According to a recent Gallup Poll, Ronald Reagan has topped the list of who “America” feels is our greatest president of all time. Ronald “Iran-Contra Scandal” Reagan. The highest Taxer in history. But That’s not what bothers me (much) in this post-9/11 world. If you give this Gallup Poll a closer look, you’ll see George “invaded the wrong country/tortures good” Bush. Why is he even on the list? And WORST, you’ll see his name over Thomas “I INVENTED Republicanism” Jefferson! We don’t deserve the right to vote.

Everyone’s old enough to be fully aware of Bush’s many (understatement of the blog) faults and follies so, instead, let’s concentrate on Jefferson’s many accomplishments.

Begin Rant: Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, presided over the composition of the Constitution, convinced the French to aid our Revolution, began the anti-slave movement, invented the concept of “limited government”, brokered the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clarke expedition (which tripled our country’s size as we were stuck near Eastern Ports), established trade with the French, kept Napolean from owning unclaimed American lands, stopped the British from invading, put an end to the Barbary Pirates, and INVENTED THE MOTHER-FUCKING SWIVEL-CHAIR!!!

But Bush loves Jesus so, I guess, that’s a no-brainer.

We don’t deserve the right to vote.

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4 Responses to Simon Theory: Greatest President My Ass!

  1. pubes says:

    close, but no cigar on the most overrated founding father. He drafted the Declaration, which isn’t as impressive as those who provided the substantial content of its ideologies. Also, Benjamin Franklin is the one who convinced the French to officially aid the American Revolution.

    The real robberies are FDR not being top-tier and Obama being above TR. I guess being black is more important than winning the Medal of Honor and negotiating the end to the Russo-Japanese war (for which he became the first American to ever win the Nobel Prize in any field).

  2. Overrated? Its not enough to have an idea. Ya gotta know how to sell it. Everyone had an “idea” of what America should be. Jefferson sold it. And when the British was coming from the East, French from the North, Napoleon from the West and Barbary pirates from the South, he stamped out the threat of destruction and all in his time as president. There wouldn’t be an “America” if it wasn’t for Jefferson.

    “Move!”
    -Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy

    • pubes says:

      Jefferson didn’t “sell” anything, he wrote it. The ideas could have been written just as effectively by someone else (Hamilton, for example, who wrote the Constituional interpretive documents, or Madison who wrote the Constitution), it just wouldn’t have been as poetic. Don’t get me wrong, Jefferson was an important person (all Founding Fathers were), but his actual contributions don’t compare with the other major ones (I do recant him being the most overrated; there are a couple Fathers who didn’t do much).

      But more importantly, you’re right in that this poll is pretty retarded. Americans not knowing shit about American history, shocker!

  3. Pingback: Simon Theory: The “Archives” | Simon Theory

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