Oatmeal: Sheentoism

There’s been a lot of hoopla surrounding Charlie Sheen lately, and I find the news coverage of him to be morally, how do you say? Oh that’s right, epic (the best moral of all). Epic at a Viacom-level magnitude. I usually don’t bother  watching the news, but Charlie Sheen is a real life “Flavor of Love” meets “Jersey Shore” rolled into one speed-ball of…winning.


For some reason, a lot of people think Mr. Sheen is off his rocker, and it’s surprisingly easy to see their point. They say it’s wrong for media outlets to bring him on air just to rant, and that the focus should be on getting him help. I think it’s a reasonable argument, but I’ll be damned if I subscribe to it. I wish no ill on the guy, but his bat-shit crazy rants are improving my quality of life.

But my real qualm is this idea that Charizard needs help. By all conventional wisdom, he’s on drugs and needs to roll off them, because drugs are bad and destructive. And while that may be true in terms of his health and wellbeing, that’s just one frame of the human mosaic (albeit an important one). But is it more important than human experience? Because I can guarantee you Charlie has experienced more in the last year than most people do in a lifetime. Maybe he’s onto something we’re not, so with tongue firmly in cheek, I ask you this: is Charlie Sheen bi-winning this battle?

In fact, I created the “Sheen Equation” to tackle this dilemma, much like Newton inventing calculus to figure out gravity. But I won’t bore you with the details, so here are the Cliff’s Notes (caution: numbers are arbitrary). Let’s say his drug use has removed 20 years from his life, but when you’re on drugs each hour is intensified times seven. So how many hours would he need to be on drugs to come up on top in the long run? I won’t spoil you with the answer, but rest assured that Sheen just may out-live us all without outliving any of his peers.


Basically what I’m getting at is, would you rather spend a weekend with Charlie Sheen or Isaac Newton? Said differently, would you rather spend a weekend wading in a misty bog of alchemy and physics or banging lines and porn stars? Newton may have impacted the world more than Charlie could ever hope to, but I bet he would trade it in any day for a few parties with Sheen. I know I would. So bravo Charlie, you’re crazy as fuck, and it’s greatly appreciated.

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