Simon Theory: Comics Wanted

If there’s one thing I learned from the Oscars, it’s how desperate our country is in need of good stand-up comedians. Especially during the hard times (aka Post-Bush years). Not to take anything away from James Franco and Anne Hathaway, who are brilliant at their day job, but there was so little confidence in the 2 young stars, they not only brought out Oscar-Host-Extraordinaire Billy Crystal, but they brought Bob Hope BACK FROM THE FUCKING DEAD…just because there’s nobody left. 

Comparable to the infamous Einstein prognostication: “If the bee disappears from the surface of the Earth, man would have no more than four years to live.”, I’m making a fucking prognostication of my own: “If some truly great stand-up comics don’t come back in four years, Lady GaGa will RULE THE WORLD.” Cuz there’ll be no one left to tease and harass these fucking people like her and her stupid fans. “Bring Back Bullying”, I say!  Don’t let the “Gleeks” and “Bieber-Nation” win. We rely on comics to put them in their place and point out unnatural human stupidity when and where it shows its pre-pubescent, androgynous, pimple-faced heads! But more importantly, comics humorously talk about what most people aren’t talking about in a frank, matter-of-fact manner that’s the “spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down”.

Just a quick tally to keep things in perspective: George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedburg, Bill Hicks, Greg Giraldo, and Bernie Mac are all dead. Artie Lang tried to kill himself. Bill Cosby is fucking senile. Joe Rogan needs 32 jobs to support himself. And Eddie Murphy became a fucking asshole. Raw. Meanwhile, Chelsea Handler humped a major studio exec for a tv show and Dane Cook is still humping a wooden bar stool on stage for laughs.

And, frankly, I’m not going to bury the lead here. Stand-Up Comedy in the 21st Century WAS KILLED by the REAL “Axis of Evil”: Dane Cook, Chelsea Handler, and Carlos Mencia. Never have I seen comics make it such a point of pride to lack any substance or versatility until these 3 “spare-time comics” pushed themselves so far into a singular, cartoonish, comic style they actually made Gallagher seem “clever”.

But what’s worse, they take away from real comics. The really talented, unique, “bloodied-in-battle” comics so they gotta do crappy commercials and attempt “The Seinfeld Model” with crappy Shit-coms while Chelsea Handler pulls $20 million for having tits and a vague sense of irony. Dave Chappelle was given a Comedy Central show and broke new ground for prime time TV. Carlos Mencia was given a Comedy Central show and did a 60-YEAR OLD IMPRESSION of Señor Wences for 4 fucking seasons!

The only truly gifted stand-ups have become talk-show hosts. Carson, Jay, Dave & Conan battling the Late Night wars, Maher, Stewart, and Lewis Black railing against the broken “system”. Jimmy Kimmel was vastly overshadowed by his far superior girlfriend Sarah Silverman, yet he’s taken the riches and fame cuz America is still not completely comfortable with women being funny. Face it: We all thought Paula Poundstone was a lesbian, and nothing’s changed since (probably cuz she WAS a muff-bumping, scissor-fucking, bull-dyke and ruined it for everybody).

Bottom Line: This country needs a laugh like George Bush needed a geography lesson. Only you don’t hire the village idiot to laugh at cuz, when the 15 minutes are up, the laughs dry up along with the putrid, crusty, dried-up, vomit left in this asshole’s wake that you gotta clean up after cuz its your fault he was ever getting the attention and a bar tab in the first place.


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