Quick question: We put a man on the Moon, created the Foreman Grill, and invented Netflix…”Why are we still jamming fluffy wads of paper up our ass after we shit?” This was not the future we were promised, people. We’ve heard from the “Jetpack” crowd and the “flying car” extremists, but no man (or woman, for that matter. Women shit too) has become the sounding board for assholes throughout the world demanding a more efficient technology to cleanse the ever-watchful brown-eye while seated on mankind’s true throne of power. Well, if no volunteers, then I shall spew the truth of excremental hygienic development from the pulpit of fecal indignation.
I have seen the future, people and there is a great and powerful mystery we have yet to unlock. The “Rosetta Stone” of butthole pleasures only revealed to the masses, but never explained. This mystery…is….The Three Seashells:
There Is A Better Way!! No longer must we stick our hands in the crevice of complacency only to be left holding our waste like the un-evolved chimps that we are. But we must stand up like a man on a public toilet seat and cover our scientists with a shit load of funding to realize this dream.
Now, to you naysayers, let me wipe your doubts away with 500 count Charmin Ultra-Soft 2-ply w/ Aloe. Men used to rely on Kleenex to jerk off too. THEN, the countries leading scientists invented “The Fleshlight“. Cant get a boner? Viagra! Boner wont go down? Giant fucking needle plunged into your cock to extract the blood!!! (See? There are several areas in need of advancement)
Women were sticking paper dildos in their vaginas for their menstrual cycle. Now, they invented a pill to regulate periods. And the Morning-After pill…and a Dildo…and a Vibrator…and a showerhead…and a Bedpost. Christ! Women have a lot of fuck-toys.
Yet, after all this time, we still haven’t figured out a cleaner, Godlier, way to wipe our asses? Poppycock! Looks like someones gonna have to give the world a good kick in the ass and, I guess, it’s gonna have to be my shoe in your ass. Wait…hold the phone…shoes!