First and foremost, for those of you are wondering who Dr. Cox is, feast on this, you no-attention-span-having bitches and all your questions will be answered:
And now, on to the list. Dr. Cox’s Concrete Certainties:
1. “If somebody’s standing in line in front of me at the coffee shop and can’t decide what they want in the half hour it took for them to get to the register, I “should” be allowed to kill them.”
2. “I’m fairly sure that, if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it would be called ‘Bring Back The Porn’ “.
3. “Just because you get a new girlfriend, doesn’t mean the world’s suddenly turned into a giant green M&M.”
4. “The Red Sox still suck.”
5. “A Tip-Jar at a Starbucks? What am I supposed to do? Just “duke” you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I’ll tell you what. Unless you’re planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around, I’m guessing the answer is “No”.”
6. It’s a men’s room, for God’s sake. There’s absolutely no talking allowed in there.
7. If you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re happy with what you see, you’ve just lost the battle.
8. Only the weak need help.
9. Scotch in the morning: Too early to drink? Maybe. But definitely not too early to think about.
10. And finally, as no Dr. Cox list would be complete without a classic “Cox Monologue”, I give you “Things nobody should ever give a shit about.”