Simon Theory: “Eat, Pray, Love…then what?”

WOW! “Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts actually manages to sum up every single thing WRONG with women in just 90 minutes while somehow convincing women it’s their spiritual manifesto. I’m impressed! THIS IS NOT A REVIEW cuz the film’s not worth my time but, if I were to write a one-line summary of this backwards-ass flick, it would be as follows:

“A story about a woman who spends her whole life believing the right man will make her complete and, when she finally discovers (in her 40’s) that she shouldn’t rely on a man to make her happy, she embarks on a journey of “self-discovery” after leaving a trail of men in her wake who’s only crime is not being “The Answer” she’s been looking for while whining the entire time to her friends but never actually discussing it with her husband or boyfriends.”  (Seriously. No sarcasm or exaggeration at all.)

And, (SPOILER ALERT) Guess what the “Big Climactic Finale” of the film is: She gets a boyfriend! Shocker! Further encouraging women that all they need is “The Perfect Man”. Women, every time you begin a relationship, every single man has two automatic strikes against them:

  • You still expect a man to provide you with your every happiness instead of doing it yourself.
  • You still expect a man to be a mind reader instead of realistically communicating your feelings while staying open to compromise.

You know its true! Men have admitted their inherent flaws a long time ago. We forever struggle with monogamy and we tend to make stupid decisions when engaging in that struggle. SIMPLE. PREDICTABLE. WELL-ESTABLISHED. Men can be stupid, but we’ve never denied this. WOMEN, you’re still in denial that the “Little Princess” inside of you doesn’t exist. You deny the inherent need to be taken care of and the unrealistic dream of a Prince to attend to your every need because “You deserve it” (such bullshit). So you get your hooks into a man, then slowly break down that confident, strong-willed, individualism you initially found appealing until, after a series of emotional compromises on the part of the man, they’re nothing more than the neutered little puppy dogs that you’ve always  wanted. Then, when he no longer resembles the man you fell in love with, YOU’RE FUCKING SHOCKED!! And then you leave him for someone new.

Before you assume, let me clarify. Ironically, I’m not the guy women leave for someone else. Lately, I’ve been the guy that married women like to wonder whether the “grass is really greener“. I don’t know why but let me save you the time of wondering: I’m no different than the man you’re with right now [maybe a little smarter and funnier ;^) ] but no different. I’m not the answer. Neither is your husband. Don’t keep replacing men on your quest for happiness cuz we don’t have the answer. Christ! Women can never leave well-enough alone. It’s like you’re genetically designed to be chronically dissatisfied with every aspect of your life which leads to this inherent belief that only another person can make you happy.

I compare men to dogs quite a lot for a reason: We’re simple in our predictability. Its not hard to figure out what we want. We’re all the same to varying degrees. But women, really are crazy and irrational. Somehow, women hear this all their lives but it never sinks in: “How can we make you happy when you don’t even know what makes you happy?” Women don’t know what they want. They’re still waiting for a man. Is THIS what feminism has amounted to:

Long story short, WOMEN: You will never be happy until you can shake the little princess inside of you and become an honest, intelligent, and rational woman capable of true self-respect and independence. Til the day you die, you will never hear a truer statement than that.

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About This Week's Obsession

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