Simon Theory: “A Hawaiian Liberation Hypothetical”

So as we speak, there are dozens of groups in our Nation’s 50th State of Hawaii fighting for either secession from the United States or free land and reparations for past wrong doings. However, ask any black man and he’ll tell you, the United States aren’t big on reparations. Either way, the Hawaiians got an official acknowledgement of wrong doing, an apology, a US sponsored 1978 Hawaii State Convention, the creation of the Office of Hawaiian Affairs, and 1.8 million acres of royally held land (ask the centuries of black slaves what they got). Yet that’s not enough for the one of many indigenous tribes conquered by an advanced civilization with advanced weaponry, medicine, communication, and transportation. Talk to Haiti, Cuba, the Mexicans, Native Americans, Puerto Ricans, Aztecs, Samoans, Australians, Ireland, etc. then have the nerve to stand there and act like you’re special.

So, I thought it would be fun to play out a “Donnie Darko” themed tangental universe in which the United States has decided to completely withdraw from Hawaiian Affairs in 1893. In this hypothetical, the United States decides to leave Hawaii alone as every Native Hawaiian apparently wishes had happened because they’re morons who don’t know any better

(NOTE: Some of these are true events):

  • January, 1893: America vacates the Hawaiian lands along with all military, agricultural, economic personnel.
  • February, 1893: America suspends all trade with Hawaiian Kingdom causing a major blow to economic interests.
  • 1900-1905 (this one’s true): 5000 Puerto Ricans, 2500 Koreans, 7000 Filipinos migrate to decaying Hawaiian islands causing Hawaii’s economy to spiral into a Great Depression.
  • 1908: Without U.S. involvement in containing Leprosy in Moloka’i, a new rash of outbreaks spring out all over the Hawaiian islands.
  • 1917: America enters Word War I focusing most U.S. forces in England and France.
  • 1918: JAPAN INVADES HAWAII!!!! With America entrenched in WW1, Japan takes the opportunity to create trade opportunities, port construction, and establish a military buffer between them and the U.S. Since Queen Lili’oukalani reverted back to a Monarchy, no major advancements of their own are made in weaponry or defense making the Hawaiian Kingdom an easy acquisition by Japan.
  • 1918: United States publicly condemns Japan’s invasion but is too heavily entrenched in WW1 to care. Then the Great Depression.
  • 1918: After growing dissension among Native Hawaiians led by Charles Reed Bishop, Japan executes insurgent leaders quelling any possible uprising. (As they really did in China in 1937)
  • 1937: Japan invades China making Japan a major Superpower.
  • 1939: World War 2 begins. The United States remains neutral. NAZI officials begin placing agents in Hawaii forcing Native Hawaiians to join the war effort as Nazi soldiers.
  • December 7th, 1941: PEARL HARBOR IS NOT ATTACKED BY THE JAPANESE seeing as they own it. The U.S. therefore does not enter the war on December 8th.
  • 1943: Without U.S. involvement, Hitler takes over most of Europe as every historian said would happen if U.S. didn’t get involved back in 1941. A million more Jews are killed.
  • 1944-1950: Seeing the growing threat, the United States finally becomes involved in WW2 however, arriving to the battle late, it costs the world millions more in deaths, and a more costly campaign on the part of the U.S.
  • 1950: ASSUMING the U.S. doesn’t drop an atomic bomb on Hawaii, Hiroshima and Nagasaki are bombed ending Japan’s involvement in WW2. Many Hawaiians died in this war…plus they’re now NAZI sympathizers.
  • 1951: With the Japanese Empire weakened, major reconstruction costs, a destroyed economy, and China expelling Japan, Hawaii is sold to China in order to cover growing national debt.
  • 1952: The Soviet invasion of Manchuria and Chairman Mao’s Chinese Red Army’s victory over the Nationalists….YOU GUESSED IT!!! Hawaiians are now Communists!!!

And so on and so on. Long story short, can the Hawaiian Sovereignty Movement just shut the hell up, be thankful they got anything back from a conquering Nation, and leave well enough alone?? I assure you…Hawaiians are better off with a democratic Nation that protects Hawaiians’ First Amendment Rights so you can bad mouth America all you want. Even though its historically proven that, if the U.S. didn’t take Hawaii over, Germany, Japan, China, and Russia were all waiting in the wings so Hawaiians kind of lucked out on that one.         


About This Week's Obsession

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One Response to Simon Theory: “A Hawaiian Liberation Hypothetical”

  1. Pingback: A Mixed Plate Past: Reflections on “An Act of War” | seconds to spare

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