Review: Transformers 3

**I’d like to preface this review by stating, categorically, that Transformers 3 is, hands down, the finest, most spectacular use of 3-D image capturing I have seen thus far.**

Simon Theory’s 1-Line Review: If I was 8…and was mathematicaly minded instead of literary…and had no hobbies…or standards…or no passion for vagina…this would probably be the greatest movie I have ever seen.

My Personal Video Summary:

With Michael Bay closing out his, “Clusterfuck of Cash” Trilogy, it is evident that he slaved quite tirelessly with whatever Paramount accountant assigned to scribe the broken pieces of a screenplay with a calculator in lieu of a typewriter to ensure the maximum amount of cameos, explosions, fight scenes, CGI, sexual references, car chases, gags, corporate tie-ins, and ass-shots of newly crowned “Model with a SAG Card”, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, he could fit into one movie. For some reason, even after Bay made countless apologies to the movie-going population for the disappointing end-product of “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen”, he followed the same formula of missteps that made the previous installment so bad. And furthermore, he recreated the same questionable moral implications as to whether these films really are made for children or adults as he continues to mix adult language and gratuitous sexuality mixed with childish gags, cartoonish physical comedy and silly prat falls we must assume were designed for children. As a porn and profanity aficionado with questionable moral standards, even I would have a hard time taking my non-existent 8-10 year old child to this and I’m not shocked very easily. It is clear by watching this film there was no adult figure at the helm of this monstrosity because it had no idea what kind of film it wanted to be.

Then there’s the acting (Deep sigh).  John Malkovich is in it…but he had no business being there. Same goes for Josh Duhamal and Tyrese. Paycheck Players. Frances McDormand was there…but what a waste of her talents. Patrick Dempsey was great in it…but he’s the cooler, richer, better looking version of Shia LaBeouf so he MUST be a bad guy. And as for the “token hot chick”, well this underwear model made Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep…like…in her acting…not like, her looks cuz…you know…Megan Fox is way hotter and…you know what I mean.

Thats it. I’m done. It’s not much of a review but you know what you’re getting into with a Michael Bay Transformers film. I’m just here to confirm that it’s exactly what you expected…and that’s nothing to be proud of. The only thing I’ve learned from the entire Transformers trilogy is that Michael Bay is clearly an “ass” man.


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