Simon Theory: “Pro-Rape Republicans? WTF?”

Anyone notice a drastic increase in the amount of pro-rape Republicans?? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “DONT BE SCARED OF THE “WHISPERING EYE”. It’s not a bottomless pit of despair. It’s not the Sarlaac. It doesn’t have mystical powers. Its a VAGINA. Not a cherished portal to the gods.  






Republican Richard Mourdock’s claim: “I think that even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”

Republican Todd Akin: “Legitimate rape victims rarely get pregnant.” as well as “Ladies, if you say you got pregnant after being raped, you’re probably lying about it.”


Republican Henry Aldridge: claims women emit “a certain secretion” that stops pregnancy when they are raped.

GOP lawmakers seek to legally redefine rape as “forcible rape” so fewer women will qualify as victims.

Pundits and lawmakers: Forced ultrasounds are OK because women already consented to be penetrated when they got pregnant. 

Fox News Liz Trotta claims when women sign up for the military to hang out with a bunch of aggressive dudes, they are asking to get raped.

Republican candidates Rick Santorum and Mick Huckabee both claim that rape victims should “make the best of it” and that “sometimes cool people are conceived through rape.”


Its all pretty numbing after a while. You can’t remain that shocked and disgusted for long before just rolling your eyes at these sexless, virgin douchebags. What about the vagina scares them so? I have no idea. But I know one thing: I’m hearing a bunch of pasty, old men complain an awful lot about them for never having much experience in their youth. Cuz most of these people claim to have led devout, Christian upbringings limiting their experience with the “Magical Vagina”. So who are they to comment?


As Bill Maher has been repeating for quite some time, any organization with an absence of women usually leads to sexual deviancy. The Church, Boy Scouts, Penn State, the military, Al Quaeda, etc. Perhaps a bunch of old dudes who prefer power-based sausage fests shouldn’t be in charge of creating policies that enforce The Vagina. Which leads me back to my original point:


WHATS UP WITH ALL OF THESE PRO-RAPE REPUBLICANS THESE DAYS? Is it the 1940s all over again? Grow up, jerk off, get a tan, leave women to manage their own bodies ‘cuz you clearly have not been managing your own.


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